It Was All So Different Then [Tag: Nathaniel]

[Emmy Robin]

The rain. That was another thing that hadn't changed even when everything had went straight to hell. It still acted the same. It certainly didn't try to kill you and devour your body. It still sounded the same, which was made evident by the sound of it on her tent's flaps as Emmy laid on her back staring up at it. Her brown eyes peered into the dark, it was night after all, up at the 'ceiling' of her tent as if she could see the night sky beyond it. The stars, the constellations, or perhaps another person's face whose eyes held all of the answers.

All sorts of thoughts running through her head, ones that had kept sleep at bay for hours. There was no telling what time it was... Not even a general guess. There was nothing. There would always be nothing. And when there was something left to hope for it'd be ripped away by this cruel world. A world that left Emmy, who thrived on a lack of surprises when it came to her life, constantly bombarded with unanswered questions: What happened to her friends? Her entire family (save her Aunt)? Jeremy? The people in her group that had separated? The world in general? As each question flipped in her head it built to a capacity that she just couldn't take anymore. Needing some sort of release, or at least some cool air, she pushed onto her hands and knees and exited the tent rather briskly.

She ran at first. A quick sprint just to relieve tension and then slowed into a jog, then a walk when she finally found solace behind a tree. True it probably wasn't the best idea to stray from the tent and the group but she honestly wasn't that far off, just enough of a distance so she couldn't be heard.

Choking on a cry she cringed and slapped her hands up to her face. Sliding her palms down the side of her face she dragged down tears and rain droplets alike and slowly slunk down on her haunches with her back against the tree. Emmy never had prided herself on crying, she very rarely did it let alone in front of others but once in a while... You just needed a moment. A moment to grieve, one that she hadn't really had yet. And there was a lot to grieve over lately.

"Oh fuck..." She sobbed into her hands that covered her face before tilting her head back against the tree which honestly hurt but she didn't have time to worry about that at the moment. Various droplets of rain managed to seep through the tree leaves and landed on her face. Emmy just closed her eyes trying to tune it all out. All the while a gun was wedged at her side in a makeshift holster at her side underneath her button up sweater which kept it from getting wet not that it had been a conscious decision.

Lowering her head down she stared down at the dark grass and mud. Barely able to make it out in the night she shook her head to herself. "Oh god... Oh god."

[Nathaniel Walek]

He lay in his tent beneath the covers listening to the rain. Another man lay to his right--Michael, he said his name was. He was shy and usually kept to himself, which meant Nathan would do nothing to piss him off. Having a quiet 'room mate' was like finding gold in the middle of Colorado. It was rare if not downright impossible.

The man's gentle snores filled the tent. They would have awaken him up had he not been awake. He had gotten three hours of much needed sleep before his nightmares startled him awake. It was the same dream, but this time it was more vivid.

He was at home in New York working on client paperwork when the phone rang. His heart would still in his chest and he'd turn to look at the phone. A sense of impending doom would overwhelm him and he would swallow back a large, dry lump, unable to move for a moment before he finally forced himself to stand. After crossing to pick it up, he'd hear a man's breath, rapid and nervous and then...he'd wake up. It was the same dream every night. Like a silent recollection of the day his girlfriend was killed, his dreams played that moment over and over in his head like a broken record. Nothing he did during the day would help him forget that day. Not the smiles, the laughter. He always revisited that day.

When would the torture end?

Nathan rolled onto his side and his large eyes stared blankly into the darkness. He knew if he tried, he would eventually fall back to sleep. It wouldn't be very many hours before morning, right? If he had a watch he would have looked at it to be sure, but he didn't. That had died many weeks ago.

Sighing, Nathan closed his eyes and pulled the covers higher to try and dull the pitter patter of rain drops hitting the tent. That sound never meant anything good. Walkers shifted during the rain. They scattered into the forest, which would mean trouble for them in the morning. He hoped that wouldn't be the case, but anything was possible out here.

After twenty forced, calming breaths he could feel himself slipping back into sleep and then, as if urging him to stay awake a second longer he heard footsteps. He shifted over onto his back and then sat up. He listened hard, but didn't hear anything. Just the same, he would go check it out. It wasn't like he would get much sleep tonight anyway.

Nathaniel pulled on a jacket and a cap. He pulled on a pair of boots. They were Michael's, but he was sure the man wouldn't miss them until morning. He would be back by then...he hoped.

Taking up his gun, he made sure it was loaded and then slipped out of the tent. He didn't know what made him look off to the right, but when he did he caught sight of red hair before the figured disappeared into the darkness. Clenching the gun in his hands, he took off after the person; quite sure that he knew who it was.

He was horrible at tracking. Especially with it raining, he wasn't sure which way he had come after five minutes of running. Nathan wiped the water from his face and looked around for Emmy. He didn't see her anywhere, but he knew she had to be around here somewhere. Looking back in, what he hoped, was the general direction of the camp, he walked on, his gun still tight in his right hand.

"Emmy?" he called out just loud enough for her to hear him over the rain. He strained his blue eyes to try to find her, but it was too dark to make out the trees, much less a petite female.

Had he imagined it all? Was he really that close to losing his mind as he thought? No, he wasn't crazy. He had seen her. No one in the camp had hair as vibrantly red as hers. But then why was she out in the forest at night? It made no sense, but then nothing about Emmy Robin's did.

He would find her because he was sure she needed him tonight. Something in his gut told him so.

[Emmy Robin]

She hated herself for the same reason that most people punish themselves. Mistakes in the past that kept piling up and up so high that they could nearly touch the sky. This had once been the sort of metaphor she had used for her dreams, she had been insistent on it, but now it had taken on an entirely different meaning. One far more sinister and dark. How quickly things changed. In the past she had absolutely loathed getting together with family for out of fear of being chastised by her perfectionist mother, or being taunted by her siblings for her lifestyle, or for the blaringly obvious realization that she was so different from them all. Now she would give anything to have those little family get togethers back... Or just to know if they were okay. Anything would be better than this not knowing.

"I can't... I can't..." She could barely catch her breath as she cried, her front hunched over as her hands repeatedly ran through her hair. Fingers entangled with wet clumps of hair and then scrunched into fists as though threatening to tear clumps out. She had always counted the phrase 'I can't' as the worst one in the dictionary. Swear words were wonderful, dirty words a plus, but admitting that one couldn't do something (let alone her admitting that she couldn't do something) was as awful as it could get.

Then in the distance she heard it: Her name. So distant that it possibly could have just been the sound of raindrops falling in an odd manner. Forcing herself to suck it in though the tears still stung her eyes she moved from a squatting position into a standing one. Hopeless yet dangerously alive eyes shifted in every which direction as if demanding the source to show itself to make its presence known. But what if it wasn't a person at all? What if it hadn't been her name? What if it was a thing... Some thing bad.

Her breath which was already broken from crying earlier now just became shallow as her heart pounded even harder. Who was it? What was this? Why was this? Her entire body tensed as she kept her back up against the wet tree in the dark, her mind reeling a mile a minute. Had she lost it? Did it matter? She obviously wasn't thinking clearly that much was certain as her hands moved to her side and she drew her gun. It wasn't the best idea given the rain, a few more minutes and it would be useless until morning, but it was all that she could think to do.

She now heard footsteps. Closer. Closer still. The sound of feet on wet leaves. With each and every barely audible sound she felt her body tense more and more and more, until finally she couldn't take it and she popped out from behind the tree, gun raised, standing in front of Nathaniel. Even in the dark and the rain he'd be able to see some of the redness around her eyes, the way they struggled and strained to focus, the lack of realization in them, and of course the gun raised high in his face. The barrel mere precious centimeters away.

"Don't you move! Don't you come any closer!" She managed to force the words out, choking them out into the open space. Her hands shook for the first time in quite a while. She could feel herself breaking, crumbling, and it was all too apparent even though the man was standing right in front of her ironically clear as day that it hadn't registered within herself who he was. "I'll kill you." Her thumb raised and the gun gave a little click as her voice came out in a shaky, yet harsh whisper. "I swear to god I'll do it."

[Nathaniel Walek]

When faced with death, one's mind tends to regurgitate one's life. Confronted with a split second of agony, and a person is faced with years of happiness, love and mourning. You see your loved ones, you relive those moments in your life when you felt like giving up. You live it all over again.

Nathaniel's mind did not do that. Instead he stood, eyes stretched wide, with his face mere inches from the barrel of a gun. He did not feel the cool wind, nor did he feel the warmth of the gun in his own hands. He could have defended himself, raised the gun and shot Emmy, but he couldn't move. He could only stare down that long, dark tunnel. He tried to swallow, but only managed to choke himself. Sputtering, he went to raise his hand to his throat, but then he was reminded of her words. Would she really shoot him?

No, he didn't think she would, but then he never thought she'd point a gun at his face either. Years of basic psychology dissipated. His studies during his bachelorette courses seeped from ears like oil. He was supposed to say something calming; get her to trust him and lower the gun, but all he could manage to say, in that moment of uncertainty was...

"No you won't." The words were spoken softly, but he knew she heard him. Eyes watering from having not blinked the entire time, he raised a trembling hand and gripped the barrel of the gun, shifting the metal and her arms to the side.

It was only then, when he was not directly faced with death, that he saw what truly lay before him.

Emmy, trembling to hold back her tears, stood there, her crimson hair flyaway. Even in the darkness he could tell that she'd been cry. His fingers itched to wipe those tears away, but he remained still. Testing her patience twice wasn't very wise.

"Give me the gun." His voice was firm. His hand still rested atop the metal, but he would not take it away without her permission. He liked to believe he knew Emmy Robin, but even if he did, he would protect them both. She needed him, not this gun. Only when they were on a level playing field would he get to the bottom of all of this.

[Emmy Robin]

Her cold dark brown eyes struggled to keep focus from beyond the tears and the hurt that cast a fog over her vision which prevented her from recognizing who the man was initially. Those who had been in a far better frame of mind would have instantly been able to tell who it was standing before her, his lanky stature and somewhat awkward demeanor enough of a tell aside from the blaringly obvious appearance that stood before her even in the darkness. These clues had all been lost on Emmy the first few seconds on interaction which had culminated with her gun being pointed outward and poor Nathaniel Walek looking absolutely terrified.

His voice, though soft and nervous, was what provided the rock to shatter the metaphoric foggy glass between them and slowly brought her back to reality and to what she was doing much to her horror. Eyes struggled to adjust not to mention comprehend how she had ended up doing such a horrible thing to a man that she certainly didn't have harsh wishes for. Her throat instantly went dry and she felt a pit dive deep into her stomach that nearly made her sick.

At first she couldn't even speak, her unsure and teary eyes forced themselves to look down at the dark muddy ground out of lack of anything comforting to look at. How had she even gotten into this mess? She felt so much in this one moment that was indescribable but words that came close included: Guilt, embarrassment, panic, paranoia, and just general sadness. It was almost too much to bare but in feeling the additional weight on the gun her eyes flickered back upward unsurely, landing at first on Nathaniel's hand on the barrel of her gun before her vision focused on the man before her.

Still no words. At his request, though it was more of an order (something not the norm for him at least from what she could recall) she hesitated, though it was only for a few seconds it proved a painful time lapse until finally her fingers uncurled their grasp and released the weapon into his position with nothing much to offer other than the weak, tearful: "I... I... I'm sorry. I didn't know... I didn't..." She couldn't even bring herself to finish the explanation even when the weapon was taken away.

"I wouldn't hurt you... I wouldn't mean to... You know that... Right?" Emmy struggled to find the words and constantly found herself coming up empty. This wasn't helping. It was making things worse, at least on her end but for some reason she felt the pressuring drive to at least explain to this man.. Or try to. Something. Anything. He had every right to shoot her or worse, turn and run away from her... But why was that worse? 'God I'm losing it if that's the progression of my logic. It's ass backwards... Isn't it?' Desperate to keep him from speculation or accusation on her account she looked down at the ground and took two steps back, it was all she could muster but she couldn't allow herself in his personal space... Not now... When she was being silly or sarcastic sure, she could invade it all she wanted, but not now.

"I'm sorry." She offered once more, forcing the words out and making herself look him right in the eye.

[Nathaniel Walek]

In that moment of uncertainty, Nathaniel didn't know what to think. He'd never seen Emmy react this way, nor had he ever thought that she, even in a moment of distress, would pull a gun on him. The cold metal felt foreign in his hands. He glanced down at the gun as if seeing it for the first time. Closing his mind off to all the noises around him, he took a deep, steady breath and sighed.

Her apology wasn't necessary, although it did assure him that she was indeed sorry for what she had done. The only question was why was it necessary in the first place? What had he missed during the day? She hadn't seemed at all distraught. They had spoken many times and he hadn't noticed anything. Something must have happened between then and now; something he had no way of recognizing before.

Nathan shifted the safety into place and then tucked the gun into his waist band at his back. Now free of the hard metal, Nathan reached out and gripped Emmy's upper hands, pulling her close to his chest in a warm embrace.

" I know you didn't mean to do this," he said, although to be honest, he wasn't entirely sure anymore. "You should have come to me, Emmy," he whispered loud enough for her to hear him over the drizzling rain. "You're not in this alone."

[Emmy Robin]

If she had realized it she would have been all too glad that Nathaniel had tucked the gun out of sight. Out of sight and out of mind. The man probably thought she had lost it. And in a way she had. They had all lost so much it only made sense that they would lose their minds next. Their lives and their minds were the only things that they still owned that they could still lose! And damn it, if it was one of the few things that Emmy still owned all to herself she was going to fight to keep it with all of her might. You had to.

She looked helplessly up at Nathaniel who definitely had the height advantage in this situation not to mention other ones. Her brown eyes weak and pleading, begging for forgiveness even more than her words that now seemed to fail her. He probably hated her. He had every right to. If he wasn't he probably was scared of her. Maybe he'd never talk to her again. Though she couldn't admit it aloud or to herself she wasn't sure if her heart would be able to take that. She did enjoy their little conversations.

"I... I..." Her voice wouldn't come out as it cracked within the confines of her throat. She was struggling just to make sounds now as she felt her eyes well up with tears all the while water was just pelting the two of them from the skies above if it managed to sneak around the leaves of the tree leaves that hovered above. In secret she was grateful for it. Maybe Nathaniel wouldn't be able to tell that she was on the edge of bawling again.

Emmy was easily pulled to Nathaniel's chest as she put up no fight. Her face easily found it's way to the warmth of his lower chest as she turned her face sideways and closed her eyes tight trying to shut everything of the world around them out. She sought out solace in his embrace, safety, a momentary moment of peace where she didn't have to do anything. Emmy always felt the need to look out for everyone what happened when she couldn't look out for herself? She needed this.

She stayed in his grasp saying nothing, perhaps a bit longer than she should have, but eventually words found their way back to her. "I didn't want to worry you." And this was the honest truth though it seemed silly now considering she had pulled a gun on him. Why wasn't he running away again? Quite possibly because Nathaniel Walek was an odd yet remarkable man, at least in her mind. "And I wouldn't anyways. There's more important things for you... For everybody... I..." Oh lord, more word vomit.

Lifting her head the slightest amount, looking like a puppy dog that had been criticized, her brown eyes uncharacteristically shyly sought out Nathaniel's gaze. "But I am alone. We're all alone." She forced out weakly as her face wrinkled slightly as she held what she could back. "I lost Jeremy... I lost him. He could still be out there... He could be de-" She couldn't bring herself to say it and cringed, looking down at the ground.

[Nathaniel Walek]

Nathaniel said nothing as Emmy tried her best to make sense of her own reaction to everything that had happened. She said she wouldn't have hurt him. A large part of him wanted to believe her. Whatever was bothering her must be bad. Very bad. Why else would she wander off into the woods alone?

And then the truth began to spill out and Nathan, once again, was left dwelling in his own silence. Jeremy? He had known the boy for only a short period of time, but he knew that he and Emmy had been close. Not lovers--she wouldn't have lasted this long had her lover gone astray. No, he could tell that they'd been only friends. When he had been left behind many of them had suggested that they go back to look for him. Some had agreed while others had blatantly refused. He was gone. That was it. It was time to move on. While he hadn't been affected by the man's lose, it was obvious that Emmy had.

Nathan's grip on the girl's body tightened and he bowed his head, resting his chin atop her head. He wouldn't allow her to feel sorry for herself. This wasn't the Emmy Robin he had come to know. She wasn't weak and feeble. She didn't cry in the woods and aim guns at defenseless people. But then...what if she was? What if she'd been hiding herself from him, from them all? They had all depended on her strength until this point. Perhaps it was time that he stepped up an led her and the others. It was the least he could do.

"Don't think like that. We're not alone as long as there's someone to talk to," he reasoned. "It's going to be hard to live without the ones we love. We both know that..." He paused for a moment, lost in his thoughts. "But we have each other. You have me, all right? I'm not going anywhere. Believe in that if nothing else."

[Emmy Robin]

Emmy didn't have much time, or any at all, to worry about how Nathaniel might take her worry over Jeremy. In her mind her and Jeremy had been friends, perhaps even best friends, nothing more. She honestly took for granted the kind of relationship they had and how everyone else could just tell. What if Nathaniel was one of the few who couldn't? Why should she worry? What made Nathaniel so special that she might have wanted to clarify? What made him so different from the rest of the members that were part of their little survival group?

She missed her friend though. She missed his face. She missed how he grounded her or at least provided some sense of play amidst the craziness of their decaying world. His smile too. He always managed to flash that around though its frequency had decreased during their most recent travels before he disappeared. There was a lot of things she missed that she could never have back. Hell she missed feeling anything other than crappy.

Nathaniel's grasp tightening n her broke her from her thoughts and her brown eyes momentarily locked with his eyes from above. She could feel his chin atop her head and actually blinked in recognition. This wasn't something she had felt recently let alone in a good long while, let alone with this man. Had they ever been this close? She certainly couldn't recall. She certainly couldn't think of any occasion where he would of made such promises. Was it really his place to make such bows? Heck, did he even really feel that way?

It took all of her might to keep from returning the sentiment. Instead she allowed herself to break away from his chest, looking up at him as she came back to Earth. Back to reality and gave a quick, sloppy wipe of the eyes. "I know you won't. Where can you go?" She gave the weakest of smiles and a somewhat scoffed laugh. The thought of Nathaniel wandering away from the group was actually humorous he didn't strike her as the type. He was either cowardly or secretly, down deep, very valiant. She was still trying to figure that whole thing out.

"And you know that I'll always look out for you. That's just how this works." Yet another friendship taken for granted. She could get away with saying such things to Nathaniel and usually he seemed to understand. Though perhaps this couldn't be said for the followup to her statement. "Even if I go away for a little bit. Right?"

[Nathaniel Walek]

"I know you won't. Where can you go?"

"Touche," he said, returning a genuine smile. He had thought about leaving many times, but each time he thought about the people he would be leaving behind. He barely knew any of them well enough to consider them family, but friendship had a way of holding onto one's conscience firmly and his willpower simply had been strong enough to withstand it.

"And where would you run off to?" He said, eyes shining. "I dare say you'll have no where to go unless you're hiding Utopia in your nap sack. In which case I'd like to tag along."

He grinned at her although the thought of Emmy leaving made him ill. She was strong, stronger than most of the women in the camp, yet even with her ruthless determination to survive she wouldn't make it far. If walkers didn't catch her, her own sanity would slow her down. Being alone out there for one day had made him made. Being alone forever...that thought was downright deplorable.

[Emmy Robin]

Nathaniel's smile was comforting to say the least which was a rarity as of late. Very little provided comfort when you knew that danger lurked around every corner. It was hard to enjoy anything nowadays. Usually it was the little things: Waking up to a sunny day, a warm lunch, and lately Nathaniel's smile. That last bit made her a bit nervous which perhaps, subconsciously, was one of the reasons she was entertaining leaving... Or one of the many reasons she decided that she absolutely had to. For everyone's sake.

"Southwards." She explained crossing her arms over her chest with a little shrug trying to play it off as less of a big deal than it really was. "There's some things I need to... Figure out..." Or find. Jeremy. He could still be out there somewhere. Yes it was probably a fool's hope, an idiot's errand but she just had to know. She hated not knowing, she hated dreaming about it, and she absolutely loathed feeling like she had let him down. He was her best friend!

At Nathaniel's mention of tagging along she gave the weakest of sad smiles. "If only I could." She offered quietly perhaps not giving the kind of thought a comment like that deserved. If she had she surely would have stopped herself from saying it. Furthermore she didn't stop there and tagged on something else. Another telling comment. "I'll miss you." Oh geeze, she just kept digging herself deeper and deeper.

[Nathaniel Walek]

Her words hit him hard. So not leaving wasn't an option? Nathan frowned, the amusement in his eyes faded until only a glimmer of disappointment remained. Whatever she had to figure out could wait. Risking her life simply to figure things out wasn't a good enough excuse for him, but then again it wasn't his decision. He didn't want her to leave and she knew that. If she left than it would be her decision. He could only ask her to stay, ask her to stick it out for a bit longer.

Nathan moved away from the girl he had grown so terribly close to the past few weeks. This was the hardest part. Knowing that you had no control over what happened next. He couldn't tackle her, force her to think rationally and stay. He could beg her to but then that would only make him appear weak...dependent.

He had wandered into the woods to help her...to protect her. Now she contemplated leaving and he knew he should be more forceful about tagging along but his survival meant more to him than anything.

Nathan turned to walk away, but before he did he said one final thing.

"You wouldn't have to miss me if you stayed." His voice was harsh...distant. Without looking back he turned and began walking back toward the camp.

[Emmy Robin]

His frown momentarily caused the wheels that were whirring in her own brain to hault. Nathaniel had never been much a jokester, at least not compared to the others around the camp (especially those closer to her own age) so a serious expression was something she had become accostomed to however the one that he was currently sporting was different. This particular expression caused a tight pain in her chest and a near painful turning in her stomach. Hopefully she wasn't coming down with something. In today's day and age she just couldn't afford it.

She knew that he couldn't understand and that it probably frusterated him being as intelligent as he was (having been a doctor he would have had to be). But she also knew that she didn't even understand why she felt this constant feeling of unsettlement, sadness, and failure. If there was one thing Emmy despised it was failure and in being separated from Jeremy that was exactly what she had done.

Watching him turn his back on her caused her chest to hurt even though she was the one who had driven him away: She had a habit of doing that to people at least when they tried getting close to her. But why the hell did this particular man giving in after so many battles bother her so damned much? Others she could take or leave when it came to feelings (survival was entirely different, she'd be friendly with everyone) but to become so invested in someone... Like him... But why? It could never work. Hell, he probably didn't even feel an inkling of what she felt. He was just being a friend. He certainly wasn't sick over it like she was, or scared, or felt any attachment.. Not that he let on. And this Nathaniel fellow was one of the few Emmy prided herself on easily reading. He was no actor.

Stunned brown eyes watched the man begin to step away and as though an invisible string had been attached to her waste Emmy was now the one following him. A reverse game of cat and mouse that they seemed to play though Nathaniel had always been far more gentile and less rash than Emmy had ever been.

"I'd miss you just as much even if I was here." She found herself blurting out without thinking (a nasty habit of hers: she either over thought or didn't think at all, there was no middle). Still she continued on, feeling a need to explain herself as she somehow doubted that Nathaniel would get it. No one ever did. Emmy was good at writing words for others not necessarily expressing her own. "I think about you all of the time. I know that I shouldn't but I do. It's awful. And when I'm not thinking or worrying about what you're up to I'm thinking about Jer and I have to know what happened to him. I have to." Oh yep, once she was on a ramble there was no stopping her. "I have to find him. I have to at least try. He's my friend." She couldn't bring herself to say was. Not now.

Biting down on her bottom lip and wetting it she went on. "I really will miss you Nat. You and your books. Those little looks you give me that let me know that I'm up to no good. Your kind eyes... Everything. You're just about the only thing I'd miss about this place." She gave a weak shrug, the panic easing out of her voice as she found some comfort in getting some of it out there in the open. "But at the same time it scares me. You scare me more than any of those walkers out there cause of what I want to do.." Oh lord, he probably thought she was a raving lunatic by now. "I want to make you smile, mess up your hair all of the time, touch you..." Now she knew she had to stop that tangent before he took off running. A sigh. "It'd be just as bad being stuck here feeling how I do and knowing there's not a god damn bit I can do about it."This word vomit causing her to hault in the grass.

"About any of it..." Her voice trailed off and her body remained still, eyes glued to the man walking away from her. She wouldn't blame him if he kept right on treding. That'd be the smart thing to do and Nathaniel was a smart man.