Alone and Lonely [Ella]

[curiousbuttons]

Time was passing, too fast or too slow, he could no longer tell. His mind was a jumbled up ball of spider webs since Rick had returned to them and took over as Rick always did. “Rick knows best” whispers Shane in spite to himself. Dark brown eyes flick from his blood and mud covered boots to the sky, he could no longer tell if it was sunrise or sundown, he didn’t too much care.

Dark brown eyes shift back to his boots while his hands clasp together behind his head. Standing alone on the hill not too far from where camp had been made for the night, Shane was a sight. He was becoming a little more withdrawn and negative about everything his refrain was slipping and he was finding it harder and harder to keep comments to himself.

With everything that had been going on he had a feeling that he was not being missed by anyone in the camp and no one had noticed that he was not leering in the shadows stealing glances at Lori and Rick. Shane was in pain, he loved Lori but he loved Rick like a brother, he would have never of done what he did if he felt there had been a chance that Rick would survive the coma, the hospital or the Walkers.

“He should be dead.” Growled Shane as he brought his right hand down to rest on his right hip while the left hand scratched the back of his head, he just could not figure it out, and he had been trying to figure it out since Rick had returned.

“Forget it.” He mumbled to himself. He shoved both hands into his pockets and turned to look back at camp. He wanted to join them by the fire but at the same time he did not want to inflict his bad mood on anyone or bring down anyone with his company. Shane, defeated by his own self, walked down to the camp and settled in next to a tree without water or food.

He cast his eyes down to the ground while everyone around the fire casted glances his way. Shane had no idea where this self pity was coming from but if his old man was around to see how he was acting now… Well, it’s best not to think about that, he decided.

[ella]

Ella was eating her supper like always. She hadn't been concentrating on anyone else other then Iain who she had known for a very long time, but her eye's were always glancing at the man named Shane. He seemed so down on himself and she didn't understand why. She was curious to why he would be like that. Obviously something was bugging him and she wanted to comfort him, but at the same time she felt like it wasn't her place to be. It wasn't her job to give comfort when not needed but still she felt like it was better needed then passed on like a dying animal.

Her eye's looked at the fish that she was eating but then back at him too, sorrow drifted into her eye's. She felt bad for him, but didn't understand because before Rick had returned to his loving wife and their son he was in a good mood like always and now it seemed like he was depressed or something. Ella could put her finger onto what he was feeling, and maybe just maybe she would be able to help him through the feeling of guilt and sorrow and be the brave man that he is.

She placed her plate on the stool that she was sitting on and excused herself from the rest of the group that was sitting and enjoying their meal. At first it seemed like she was going to the bathroom but instead she turned her body into the direction of where Shane was. Ella was hoping that this would be the best time to comfort someone and let their emotions run wild. It was the only thing that she felt like she was any good at other than sleeping around. At first she paused before moving any closer to Shane. She didn't exactly know how to approach him. She had a fear that he would deny that he was upset about something but nothing was going to stop her at all.

So instead of standing in the same spot she stepped closer to Shane. "Hey there Shane, you look a bit lonely. Do you wanna talk about it?" She asked him as she stood in front of him. She was just trying to be friendly and all and hoping that he wouldn't reject talking to her. She knew a lot of the people were loosing their minds because of what happened to the world, but sometimes talking about anything could help any situation.

[curiousbuttons]

Shane had been in his own little world and did not notice when she walked up to him. When she spoke he lifted his head and gazed at her with big brown sad eyes. At first it did not click that she had spoken, it seemed like all the sound had gone away and then his mind unfroze and he knew he had to say or do something otherwise she would think he was a jerk and walk off. “Hey, what? Oh yeah.”

His body language showed he was a bundle of nerves. Normally he would not act like this, but what would the damage be? Now that Rick was back taking care of things, it’s not like they needed him. He pulled a hand out of his pocket and rubbed the back of his neck thinking things over. He nodded his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

”I’m sorry. It’s just, ya know, this whole thing… I hoped that it would have been over by now and we all could get back to what’s left of our lives.” That was part of it, but not the whole truth. He shrugged a bit and lowered himself down onto the dry grass. He rested his elbows on his knees and his hands found their way back to his head. ”I don’t know what’s going on with me or how to talk about it.” He paused then looked at her again, ”Wouldn’t you rather be down there with the rest instead of talking to me?” He tried to smile but it was forced and just showed how needy he really was.

What he really wanted to say was something along the lines of “Oh my god, when will it ever end, why did he have to come back and when am I going to get a hot shower!” but decided to not open that door so soon, he needed to know he could trust her before he let her that far into his mind. Then he wondered how come he could think like that at all. It was all so confusing.

[ella]

Her gentle blue eye's looked down at him. Something was telling her that there was a mystery about Shane and she did like it and all but it was her little secret that she kept to herself and the fact that she was brave enough to start a decent conversation with him hopefully showed some interest. Yes he was very blunt and the Alfa male of the group and all, but he was also the one guy that would do anything for the people in this survival group, he had guts and Ella liked that in a man.

She heard him speak a few words and just smiled. Maybe he wasn't paying attention at all and didn't hear her speak but she didn't mind. She knew some people were out of it scared shitless that they would be bitten or attacked and turned into a Walker it was everyone's nightmare that they didn't want to come true, but that was just the reality of the situation.

She placed her arm hand on his shoulder, at first she had thought it was a bad idea but she wanted him to know that she was hear for him and she would do whatever he wanted her to do for him. "Don't apologize to me, i know how you feel. Its like you want things to be the way they use to be before the world turned upside down and all, but you have to think of it this way, if the world didn't end up like this you wouldn't have experienced some things that take years to experience." She stated. All the most that she was hoping was that he would understand her statement. She didn't want him to exactly agree with it but she wanted him to see the bigger picture of what had happened.

She rubbed his shoulder a little bit more. Making it feel more like a shoulder massage. She wasn't trying to come off as flirt or anything she just thought that this would be the best way of giving a guy comfort even though there were many other ways to do that for anyone. "I think you just need to relax and think of something that makes you happy, just let it run through your mind." She said unsure if that would help him relax. She could feel how intense he was. She put her other hand on his shoulder and rubbed both of them in a motion so he would calm down a bit.

She smiled at his question. She did like eating and talking with the other's but he was just so damn interesting and her eye's were picturing him with his clothes off at times and all, but of course it was between herself she wouldn't tell anyone because they would mostly think she was going to try for something that was hard to catch. She placed her lips near his ear and answered him in a soft sweet voice. "No I'd rather be talking to you, besides i can make you feel things and do things you have never felt before." She whispered into his ear and then grinned and continued to rub his back.

[curiousbuttons]

"Don't apologize to me, i know how you feel. Its like you want things to be the way they use to be before the world turned upside down and all, but you have to think of it this way, if the world didn't end up like this you wouldn't have experienced some things that take years to experience."

Shane sat there for a second, then lifted his head and looked off into the distance; the words swam around in his mind. He gave a small nod to let her know he heard her and understood. At first he didn’t notice she was rubbing his shoulders then when she told him to relax and go to his happy place, he couldn’t help but to smirk despite himself. He closed his eyes and started to drift away as he allowed her to rub both of his shoulders. Shane hadn’t noticed until now how tense he was or how tired he was, all his moping and being angry was killing him.

"No I'd rather be talking to you, besides i can make you feel things and do things you have never felt before."

Her voice was so soft and so sweet and her breath tickled his ear. It was so nice to feel a woman’s gentle touch again. It was nice to be talked too softly rather than screamed at for being a pig headed bully. It was nice to be able to relax around someone again and not worry about them stabbing, shooting or eating him. Shane opened his eyes and lifted his head back to look at her, his expression was changed to show how at ease he was and peace reflected in his brown eyes. ”Thanks, I needed this.” He then patted a spot next to him on the ground, ”Here, come sit with me for a little longer? It’s nice tonight.”

He looked back over to the camp, it was dark enough that he could see the fire and see figures; it was always dark enough that if anyone was looking they really couldn’t tell what was going on. Shane then turned his head and looked at the stars. “Been a long time since I just sat and looked at the stars.” he drawled in a voice almost like velvet. He was calm on the outside and a little on the inside, but still waters run so deep.

[ella]

The feeling inside of Ella was that she had a completed making someone feel less tense and more relaxed. It was one of her specialties or well what she called it. The intensity of his shoulders was going down and she could tell that giving him a shoulder massage was a good thing that she did. It already made a huge impact or well so she thought. She continued to rub his shoulders not giving a damn if her hands were getting wore out.

Just by being near him made her feel more safe and protected. In a way he had casted a charm on her with his muscles and just by being who he was in general. She smiled at him. "Your very very welcome Shane. I just couldn't stand seeing you look so tense and so drained." [/b]She explained to him wincing another smile. When he asked her to sit next to him her cheeks became a little rosy but not that noticeable. Ella nodded her head. "Yeah sure I'll sit without you abit longer, or maybe until the other's head off to bed." She responded to him as she stood up and sat right besides him. "It is a very beautiful night out. You can almost here the crickets sing." She said.

Her bright blue eye's looked out into the dark night sky. She could see sparkling stars that flashed through the night. It seemed like almost the perfect night, but in reality night time was the worse time to be out and about because of the Walker's, but looking up at the night sky made everything seem different like the outbreak had never happened and life as she knew it was still a better place. "Why has it been so long since you looked up at the stars?" She asked him with a cocked eyebrow. She was being her curious self and all, but at the same time she could understand why it would have been so long since he had looked up at the night sky."The stars are very beautiful and glittery tonight." She said with a sigh as her blue eye's still looked above the peaceful night sky.

[curiousbuttons]

“I look at them all the time without really seeing them, ya know?” He paused long enough to steal a glance at her. Shane would liked to have remembered a time when he really paid attention to Ella before now but he had been so caught up in what was going on before Rick came back and then everything that happened after he came back. He looked back at the sky, ”I keep saying to myself, I say ‘Now Shane, this is all a dream. Tomorrow you will wake up, get dressed and go to work. Come home, fight with that silly girl about the lights and then go to Rick’s for a bit for a beer and maybe some football.’ Then I wake up the next day and I’m still here.”

He gave a little chuckle and shook his head some. “The thing is, I’d do anything to have it all back… Even the fights over who turns off the lights.” He looked back at her. He didn’t think she would be able to see the look on his face in the dim light. His expression had changed a bit, he was no longer as stressed out as he was, but he was still pained and confused. His eyes moved along her profile and then he looked back at the camp fire, Shane was now feeling guilty for looking at her and wondering what it would be like to be with her. For a second he was angry with himself, why should he feel guilty?

He cut his eyes at the two little forms he was sure was Rick and Lori. Shane made himself turn his attention back to the one that was with him now. That was his problem; he always wanted what he could never have. Shane rubbed his mouth, trying to put all his thoughts into place. ”What do you miss the most?” he asked her. He thought he knew what she would say but he really just wanted to say something other than sounding like a big wimp. He looked at her a little longer before looking back at the stars and waited.

[ella]

She looked at him letting out a small smile. She understood exactly what he was talking about and was amazed with how brilliant he was. His words reminded her of when she was writing in a newspaper and how it seemed to all make sense and not be apart. "Yes i get exactly what your talking about, its like you see the stars every night, but don't know how much of an affect they have until you take a closer look at them." She responded. This was the first time in a long time since she was in high school she actually had a intelligent conversation that actually meant something more than just banging in the back seat of a car.

Ella tapped his shoulder and let out a small laugh. If only this wasn't the reality that they were living in now, but if what they thought was a dream really was then some of the amazing people they have met they would have never had a first encounter with the. "Sometimes people wish that this was just a dream, but this is our new reality, and we have to try our best to keep everyone alive and well and make sure none of those dammed things get close to us." She said sighing at the night sky. She couldn't help but smile at him because if this was not real she would have never met him and then her life would of been much more worse then a zombie invasion.

Listening to him speak made her feel how he felt, having her life be the way it use to be and waking up with her jumpy six year old daughter asking about ballet classes and when she would go back to school, and taking her out for some shopping trips to the store and then off to see her parents. A tear left her eye at the thought of it. She missed the good times but now she was living the life of survival and now she was flirting with someone that she was more comfortable with. "Maybe one day you will wake up and this was just a nightmare, but as of right now you have to play your cards right and make sure you survive though it." She said not wanting to say anything else. In her mind she was playing images of what kind of man he would be if they ever got into a serious relationship and she could see him making a great father to Valerie but who was she kidding it didn't seem like they would ever get that far or would they?

Now was a hard question that she had to answer. What did she miss the most? Getting yelled at by her husband? Hearing him call her daughter a mistake? She knew that she didn't miss that at all. "I miss holding my daughter in my arms and reading her fairy tales every night, and i miss her crawling into bed with me and waking me up in the morning with a pillow in my face." She told him as another small tear left her cheek along with a sniffle.

[curiousbuttons]

If Shane needed a reason to stop feeling sorry for him, he now found it. Just listening to her talk about her daughter caused him to feel a pang of guilt and sadness. For the first time he thought to himself that this must have been the way Rick felt when he was alone and searching for his family, just like her. Then he thought about a time when he was younger and he had known a girl who thought he hung the moon and how she wanted to make a family with him, all he wanted to do was stay 16 forever. He missed his chance then for a family of his own and has been trying to make up for it ever since. Shane thought about this move long and hard before he did it.

He slipped a arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to his side. His protective and what’s left of his kind nature clicked into place. ”Hey, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have asked that.” He watched her in the darkness, intense but compassionate brown eyes searching her face in the darkness for something but not knowing what. ”Maybe I am way out of line for saying this, but there is a part of me that says, at least now I know what I am made of. I’ve met people who are just like me and yeah, we all just have to take care of each other. I’ve been so lost in myself, I forgot that.”

He sighed a bit and then said,“Maybe you’re right, maybe someday we will all wake back up but until then, we should make the best of it and try to find your daughter.” Those where more than words to Shane, he meant them; he really wanted to help her find her daughter.

He never asked about her daughter’s father, he really didn’t want to know but at the same time he did, he didn’t want to end up back at the start like he did with Lori. ”Where do you think she is? Is she with her father or some of your family?” Shane knew how naive that sounded but he needed to know what she thought.

[ella]

This was the first time in a long time that she was feel emotional and feeling compassion from another man. He was so sweet and this conversation was actually holding up very well to say the least. In a way he reminded her of the star football player that wanted to start a life with her, she remembered how compassionate he was and how he swept her off her feet but she was to busy wanting to explore things and live her life the way she wanted too, but of course that was her mistake with marrying Gerry.

When she felt him slip his arm around her shoulder she felt more safe and secure. She had a moment when she wanted to rest her head on his shoulder but she wasn't exactly sure on how that would play out. She heard him apologize for asking and she just shook her head at him. "No its alright Shane." She said. Ella didn't wanna seem like a sad emotional wreck all the time and she didn't want him to feel bad. Yes she was looking for her little girl and all, but his company made it all worth while. She gave him another smile. It was good to hear those words out of his mouth. "At least you finally learned what your made of and not trying to be something that your not." She said finally as she placed her head on his shoulder.

Was he really offering to find her little girl? This gave her hope that Valerie was still out there maybe with her father and maybe with some other survivors helping her reunite with Ella. Sometimes though she thought that was just a dream but maybe it was a reality and she just didn't know that yet. "Your really going to help look for her? That is the sweetest thing i have ever heard. Thank you." She said with a small blush. There was more to Shane that met the eye and Ella was one of the first to experience this and she loved this, she could just see how great of a person he was an she was now happy that she walked over to talk to him. He had already made her night.

When he asked her about where she thought her daughter was she had to be honest and let him in completely besides she was starting to like him more and more just by them two talking. "I think she is with her father if he made it through this outbreak and all, honestly i hope i just find Valerie though, her father and i weren't getting along and our five year marriage was ending anyways, but then the outbreak occurred and he took her away from me." She said and looked back at the night sky. She wasn't going to hide anything from Shane because she was feeling something between them and didn't wanna hide behind lies like she had done in the past.

[curiousbuttons]

As the night wore on, down below one by one people started to drift off to their own tents, it would seem that no one was missing them at that moment, though if Shane would have been thinking about that, he would have known that was false, he would have just known that somewhere down in the mist of all the people there was whispers floating around about where they where and wondered how long it would take before someone came looking for them. Then again, you never know, maybe they would just assume that she was with him and that all was well since he hadn’t gone all Rambo and started shooting at something, no save that action for the rednecks. If Shane had been thinking about that, he would have suggested they returned to the camp before it got way too late, but Shane was not thinking about that. He was thinking about his new found friend and her daughter.

”I mean that. I’m not quiet the bad guy that everyone thinks that I am. I mean I have done things I ain’t proud of, but we all have.” He meant that to be a joke but there was a hint of resentment to it. When she put her head on his shoulder he smiled, it made him feel stronger than he was. He liked it. ”I’m sorry to hear that too. It’s wrong; child should be with their mother.” In Shane’s mind that was the truth. ”Forgive me but I thought, at first, when you showed up here, that you and that man was… You know.” He shook his head, “Never mind.” He looked back to the stars and sat there for a few minutes in a thoughtful silence.

”You know Ella, I’m glad you came and talked to me tonight.” He glanced over at her and then back at the stars. With his free hand he found one of hers and gave it a squeeze, “I think we all need as many friends as we can get.” He said friends, but he was starting to wonder if there might be something else for them down the road, he had to just wait it out and see. He hoped that she would understand his since of caution and take it as a good thing and not as rejection if she was thinking the same things he was.

[ella]

The night was looking more and more beautiful as the stars shone brighter in the night sky. The feeling that she was feeling was getting stronger, but at the same time she didn't wanna just rush into things since she had done that before in her past and it didn't end to well and she didn't want the same pattern to happen and then get to the point of feeling like she made a mistake for how she was feeling. Many things raced through her mind and she could picture things and all and maybe someday they would become a reality if the universe would let it be.

Hearing him speak made her think of her mistakes. She had done some stupid things in the past like sleep around with her husbands best friend and possibly conceive a child with him, but now wasn't the time to open up that can of worms. Besides she hadn't been feeling anything with him lately and all and just by starting up a conversation with Shane made her feel more at peace with herself. "Yeah I've done many things I'm not proud of either, some things i regret, but in the end they built me up to the person that i am right now." She respond. Ella felt no need to hold back anything but she and Shane had just started getting to know one another and as time went on she would tell him more about herself.

"Tell me about it, i swear if Gerry is still alive and if Valerie is with him i am going to give him a good kick in his dick for taking her away from me." She said in a strong and proud voice. She felt like the only reason why she was still alive was because she was hoping that her daughter would still be. She turned her head to look at him. She heard him speak and let out an uneasy question. He sure knew something had gone on with Iain and her but now times have changed and she wasn't into him anymore. She was a changed woman. "You thought that man and i were porking it? Um can't deny it and can't say we did anything." She said in her own words. She didn't want to explain her whole life story in one night and she wanted to get to know him before she told him every detail about her.

She smiled at him and agreed. "I am too, it was good helping you relax and make all your stress go out the window." She said and looked back up at the stars. "We all need friends in our lives or else we would all be loners roaming this earth." She added. When he said that they were friends Ella didn't mind at all she could feel something between them and it was a very strong energy but she didn't wanna rush anything and make it seem like she wanted him for other reasons. She was really into him but she wanted to get to know more about him, and if that meant being friends for now she could handle that. She felt him squeeze her hand and she blushed a tiny blush and her cheeks turned a little bit rosie.

[curiousbuttons]

Shane would not have chose to use the phrase *Porking it* but it did make him want to giggle. ”It’s doesn’t matter right now. We got time to learn more about each other.” For a moment he forgot that low and behold they were in the middle of a zomb-pocalypse. That could be a bad thing, if he continued on that path then who knows, he might end up as a undead feast. Now that was something that he really did not want to think about. He forced himself to stop thinking about that, but it was hard since he left his gun in his tent and the only thing he had on him was a knife. Wow, smooth.

”One is the loneliest number.” He wondered where he had heard that before, oh yeah, it was a song. He then looked back at the camp, ”Look there.” He nodded at the camp. ”There is only five people left around camp. I wonder which ones they are.” He chuckled a little, this was like a game for him. He looked back at Ella, ”It’s starting to get a little cool up here, what say we wonder back to camp. Take our time on a little walk. Maybe sit by what’s left of the fire before we say goodnight.”

He shrugged and waited to hear what she thought. No he wasn’t ready to go to bed but he knew he needed too soon; otherwise he would not want to get up at all the next day. He wondered about that too, what about the next day. He wondered how many people would look at him funny, didn’t matter really, but it was kind of amusing. Then he wondered if anyone would say anything to Ella, that kind of worried him, but at the same time he thought she would be able to handle it herself.

”So what do you think?” He asked with a smile.

[ella]

Hearing him say those words created a smile, it was like the whole time that they had been talking she was smiling. She couldn't help herself but know that she made a good choice by talking to him and getting to know the true man that he truly was. "OK good thing to know because i wasn't going to fill you in on my whole life story just yet, you can earn little bits and pieces of it every night." She gave him a small wink but it was just letting him know that there was more he would soon find out from her for better or for worse it was her past after all.

The part when he said one is the loneliest number he was right. She hated being alone and not knowing what the next day brought but maybe having him be besides her would change everything for the better and everything would look brighter each day. "But if you add two to the equation one can no longer be lonely and his spirit can smile knowing that someone cares about him." She explained to him thinking that he must have been lonely lately but she wasn't going to let him stay alone not any more.

She looked to where the fire was and only saw a few people. "If you wanna know which ones they are maybe you should go and get some binoculars and spy on them." She joked. She looked at the dimming fire while she heard him speak. That was a good idea. They could walk and talk and see where it would take them. She was thinking of it more as a short adventure that was worth taking anyways. She thought for a moment though. First of all it was dark out and she didn't have her fun with her. The only thing that worried her was that a walker or walker's would be roaming the area this late at night. She shook her head of the thought though and looked up at his brown eye's.

"I think that is a great idea, lets just make sure that we don't walk to far, i mean it is late at night and those things could be roaming the woods." She responded but she was still keeping her head up and thinking if there would be a goodnight kiss in the mix.

[curiousbuttons]

While they talked the clouds parted way and the moon shown big and bright in the night sky. The lighting changed from being almost too dark to see, to being a silver glow that seemed to just make everything feel better. To her comment about what he said about one being the loneliest number he grinned. He looked down at the ground and blushed a little, he felt a little embarrassed, wasn’t he too old for blushing? The mood changed a little when she said he should get binoculars, he laughed a little and looked at her shaking his head, “Nah, rather not.”

In the dim silver glow he watched as she looked at the camp and then looked into his eyes. He was amazed, it had been a long time since he had looked at a woman and could just see that he was more than just a toy or a means of getting by. Shane would never admit it right away but he had always been a sucker for a pair of blue eyes and sweet smile. At first he thought about leaning in and stealing a kiss in the glow of the moon but then she spoke and he decided to wait.

”Nah, we won’t go too far. I doubt there is any out there, but if there is, we should be safe.” He pulled a pocket knife from his pocket and showed her, ”Can kill one and get away if there is more than one but let’s hope there is none out there.” Shane put it back where it belonged before pulling himself to his feet. He turned and smiled at her, he reached out his hand for her to take. He thought if she took his hand he might surprise her with a little kiss, but even then, he wondered if he should wait a little while longer.

Shane was battling his want too and whatever else he was thinking or feeling at that time. On one hand he wanted to wait and see if there was a chance for him and Lori to reconnect if something happened to Rick on accident one of these days like it almost did when Dale walked up on them. The same time he knew there was no chance he could kill Rick, he was his best friend and he would give his own life to make sure Rick staid safe. It was all so wrong and so confusing, but Ella was here, not Lori and he must not forget that.